How do you cope when your pet’s ashes have been lost? This is a question I have seen here and there since starting my blog. I haven’t had it happen to me; however, I felt it necessary to address it because it happens quite frankly. As a grieving pet owner, I wanted to address this, especially after reading and listening to testimonies of other grieving pet parents.
How do you deal with losing that sense of closure?
My heart goes out to those who have lost a pet and also have to deal with missing ashes on top of everything else. So with this question in mind, “How do you cope when your pet’s ashes have been lost?”
After doing some research online and listening to other pet parents, here are a few suggestions that may help provide some ideas and support for those parents dealing with this awful predicament.
Dealing with the Negative Realities
- There will now be closure differently than you pictured in your mind.
The horrible reality about this situation is that you will never get that form of closure that you envisioned in your head. I can’t even imagine what I’d do. One thing is for sure, you could have everything planned out, and yet life will still throw you a curveball. It’s heart-wrenching, shocking, and enraging to think that the vet or crematorium could lose the remains of someone so precious to us. This leads me to my next point.
- Humans are imperfect and make mistakes.
There is not much else I can say except the fact of the matter is humans are flawed. I think our furballs are God’s angels on Earth with fur and are pretty perfect, in my opinion. Humans, not so much. I have a running joke that I prefer animals over people. Seriously, I have shirts made too!
But I digress; the reality is that for whatever reason, there may be that rare occasion where someone messed up and either mixed ashes when they were not supposed to or misplaced and lost them.
What do Impurrfectlife readers and pet parents have to say?
I posed this question in a Facebook post a while back, and here are some of the responses from fellow pet owners, including comments from staff from a licensed crematorium. Take a look at the screenshots below.
Responses to a few pet owners…
Response from a licensed crematorium…
So if this happens to you, what next?
Get down to business.
- Talk to your vet or crematorium and get your money back.
Honestly, it’s the very least they should do in addition to apologizing for their error. It’s not really up for debate.
If a company promised to deliver a specific service you paid for and does not deliver, the least they can do is refund your money.
- Secondly, a nice added touch of professionalism would be for the vet or crematorium to offer to pay for a custom memorial piece.
This is not to say they will do such a thing; however, going out of their way to make an effort to make good on their error would mean more to me in the long run.
- Don’t hesitate to ask them to keep looking for the ashes.
Sometimes, the ashes are not lost but just moved or misplaced. Perhaps staff did not communicate this to the appropriate staff on duty. You don’t know how organized the team is in the office. So, you lose nothing by requesting they keep looking for your pets’ ashes anyway.
- Remember there are two types of cremation- Individual and group cremation.
I, for one, opted to have both my cats, Precious and Dusty, cremated individually. Some people want their own pet’s ashes separate, and others don’t mind having their pets’ remains cremated with a group of other deceased pets.
I wanted to point this out because if you are a pet parent that opted to have your pet’s remains cremated separately but discovered the crematorium or vet mistakenly had your pet’s remains cremated in a group, you technically still have a portion of their remains.
However, the difference is that those remains of your beloved are mixed with others. Some bereaved pet parents may opt to still take some small part of their loved ones rather than nothing.
When you finally leave the crematorium or the veterinarian’s office, there is the task of learning to live life in a brand new way and deal with the grief.
Learning to grieve differently
What do I mean? It’s one thing to grieve death and another to mourn the loss without having closure. What would I do? What should I expect?
Understand you will experience all the stages of grief, especially anger. You can check out my prior blog post about the 5 Stages of grief here.
I’d also get online and visit pet parent forums with others that have been where you are. You can check out this Reddit post to see other thoughts from bereaved pet parents that have experienced this situation.
Get the proper support from friends, family, and a professional therapist if needed. Here are 8 Resources for healing after pet loss you may want to explore.
Remember, you are allowed to get angry and find healthy ways to vent and let out your energy. Some ideas you may want to consider are kickboxing class, hiking, journaling, or whatever helps you constructively release the pent-up energy.
When enough time has passed
After some time has passed, you want to be able to have some sense of closure, so it’ll be up to you to create that for yourself in a brand new way.
Alternative ways to memorialize your pet
- Instead of ashes, consider your pet’s hair to keep.
Do you have pet hair on your furniture? Remember how some parents kept a lock of hair from their firstborn child in a baby book? Who is to say you cannot keep some pet hair for yourself?
Some companies make memorial jewelry that includes pet hair as part of the process. You carry a piece of them with you always.
- Plant a tree in their memory.
A second option to memorialize your pet is to plant a living tree in your yard. It’s a thoughtful way to help not only the environment but also a living representation of the fact that the love built over time is like the roots of a tree. The bond runs deep and will keep growing, even after they are gone.
Looking at the tree will be a lovely reminder memorial planted in your pet’s honor.
- Thirdly, have a memorial service.
You don’t have to have the ashes or body remains present to hold a memorial service for your pet. Dedicate the service to remembering and honoring your pet with an enlarged favorite photo and a keepsake box of their favorite items, such as their collar, toys, and blanket.
- For even more ways to memorialize your pet, check my previous blog posts below
Final thoughts
Those are my tips on how to deal when you find your vet has lost your pet’s ashes. Again, I can’t say from experience, but I can empathize. I hope reading this post and the comments from other pet parents help validate your feelings and give you ideas on how to honor your pet differently, despite not having their ashes.
Remember, our pet’s everlasting memory lies not in the ashes or the body but in love, shared memories, and our hearts.
Although they aren’t with us physically, they are here in spirit, with their angel wings, always by our side. I think that’s why our hearts often feel so heavy; our love for our furry family member never died; it grew deeper the day we said goodbye.
Have you ever had your pet’s ashes go missing? How did you handle the situation? What other suggestions would you add?
Share your thoughts below.
44 Comments
Kelly
The loss of a pet is a gut wrenching and emotional time as it is and I couldn’t imagine how I would feel or react in this circumstance. In the past, I choose to keep items to remember my pets – like a leash, special toy and of course lots of photos I could reflect on.
Ruth Epstein
This post is now giving me nightmares as I am questioning when Baby was cremated did they give me back her ashes which I buried under her favorite tree in the dog park, shhh as it is not allowed. To remember her I have a beautiful wooden box with some of her memories including a doggy bagel I bought from one of the bagel places here in SF – it is hard as a rock and like 10 years old
Hindy Pearson
I had never considered the possibility that my pets ashes would ever be lost. You’re right, at the very least the crematorium should offer a memorial piece of some sort but to be honest, that would not make a difference to me. I know people are only human and mistakes happen, but I really think I would make their lives a living hell.
Michelle & The Paw Pack
Interesting topic for sure. If this happened to me, I’d be heartbroken, but I think understanding as well. People make mistakes. I think one thing that would bring me comfort is that I do try to collect mementos from my pets while they are still alive. I have imprints of all of their paws in clay, and my dogs’ nose prints too. I also usually keep envelopes with little locks of fur that I collect while they’re being groomed. I do all this while they are still alive with me – as it makes doing things like taking their paw prints a happy memory. And in the event that I didn’t get their ashes back for any reason, I’d at least still feel like I had a little piece of them here with me.
Kamira Gayle
Kelly,
Agree! I did the same thing with both my girls. My favorite trinkets to remember them by is their collars and of course tons of photos.
Kamira Gayle
Ruth,.
Oh! I know that would be alarming and horrible wouldn’t it?! Awww sweet Baby! So she was a fan of bagels eh?? I think that is kind of sweet. How do you store it for so long? I also love the idea of keeping Baby’s things in a keepsake box.
Kamira Gayle
Hindy,
Yes! I understand what you mean. I honestly never even thought such a thing happened until some fellow pet parents mentioned it happened to them. I was horrified and shocked however take it as a learning lesson on both sides. It was hard to hear from pet parents but also can respect the honesty from a crematorium too. It really makes me rethink how I would preserve future memories of my future furkid in advance.
Kamira Gayle
I love your ideas and perspective. It’s really understanding despite the circumstance. It really takes a strong person to have such restraint, but I totally understand and respect it. I can appreciate your unique ways to preserve those memories with your fur kids and thing others should take note! I love the idea of paw prints in clay. Great idea. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Adriana Lopez
I would be devastated if my pet’s ashes get lost, as it is losing a pet that is like your child is so difficult and painful. Then not having them makes it difficult to get closure. I have kept a piece of their hair and their collars not to mention a million pictures I have from them. I have even painted them in canvas.
Beth
Most of our pets that passed on were buried in our yard, but we had to euthanize two. We did not ask for the ashes simply because we didn’t even know that such a service existed. I can imagine it would be a nightmare to want the ashes and be told that they were missing.
However, I would be much more upset if I lost my photos of my dogs in a house fire or natural disaster. In the digital age, it is much easier to keep track of photos, but I haven’t saved my old photos of my childhood.
Lola The Rescued Cat
I never thought about this happening. It can be so heartbreaking and devastating to the pet owner – I know I would be. I would definitely keep some favorite items and some of their fur as well.
Holly
This is a pretty horrifying idea. I think it would be like experiencing the moment of loss all over again. I mean mistakes happen, but that’s awful. At a minimum I would expect to not pay them.
Talent Hounds
I can not imagine how odd and upsetting that would have been if my vet had lost Isabelle’s ashes. Great recommendations on how to cope – it is important to vent in a safe way. Also some great suggestions for dealing with grief and memorializing your pet. For Isabelle, Cookie and Nala we had little ceremonies and planted trees and plants. At Talent Hounds, I sometimes make videos for people about their dogs and we created the song “Forever” which people can use that reminds them the love will go on.
Kamira Gayle
I love that you have so many ways to remember your beloved pets. I wish I had gotten canvas paintings done of my girls but I do have many pictures to remember them by too.
Kamira Gayle
Beth,
Oh yes! They have cremation services. They also have services where they can have in home euthanasia. I never knew this until after the fact too. I agree that in today’s digital age preserving photos is much easier however , like you, I’d be devastated if my pet’s ashes were lost and also my print photos were destroyed.
Kamira Gayle
I agree. I honestly never knew such a thing happened to people. My heart really goes out to them.
Kamira Gayle
Holly,
I agree. It’s a whole new level of pain. Like rubbing salt in an open sore. Although I haven’t experienced it I felt it important to share the reality of what a some bereaved pet parents have had to go through. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Kamira Gayle
Thank you!! Yes! I love that you do videos for people. I know from experience watching saved video clips of Dusty helped me immensely. Thanks for sharing your perspective and insight.
Dorothy "FiveSibesMom"
Wow…an excellent thought-invoking post on what I would think to be a very emotional and distressful thing to have happen. While devastating, I am sure it does occur. Gibson is my first dog to have had cremated. Before, we always buried our beloved pups on our property when we lived in the country. Now, living in a small city, I chose to have Gibson cremated and his ashes are still with me as I plan to spread them during a beautiful snowstorm one day with all of them when their time arrives (hopefully, not for a long time). If the ashes had been lost…I can only imagine I’d feel very upset and heartbroken, but I’d hope they would be honest and try to somehow find them or be deeply remorseful. I understand mistakes happen, but…wow. That’s one that hits on a very deep emotional personal level. I, too, also keep mementos such as leash, tags, and a special candle with is name, and as a photographer, I have a special portrait or two (or three or four) enlarged and framed. <3
Tenacious Little Terrier
Oh that would be horrible! I’d demand a refund at the very least and see how the company responded. If they seemed negligent or not caring, I’d be spreading the story far and wide.
Cathy Armato
Oh my goodness, I cannot even imagine that. I would value the honestly of the crematorium in not lying about it and trying to do something to make up for it. A really nice, thoughtful memorial of some kind would help, plus a refund of course.
Love & Biscuits,
Dogs Luv Us and We Luv Them
Sweet Purrfections
I never thought about this actually happening, but I guess it does. I chose to have my previous cat Praline cremated individually. If I had used my vet she would have been sent to North Carolina, a state away from us, and cremated with ashes from other pets. We have a crematorium within 5 miles of my house and I used them. They were wonderful. This was the first time I had ever cremated a pet and I’m happy it worked out for me. The extra money wasn’t worth it for me.
Kamira Gayle
Dorothy,
Well said. Agree. When I adopt my next one I’ll have to remember to get a photo session done. I love those and never thought of the idea until it was way too late. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Kamira Gayle
Yes! I could understand that too. I’ve seen it!
Kamira Gayle
Cathy,
I agree with you there. I would have much more respect for a vet or crematorium if they were both compassionate and had the integrity to be honest about the situation. I can work with integrity, not indifference , disrespect or lying business practices. I appreciate you sharing your input.
Kamira Gayle
Paula,
I know what you mean. In both cases of my girls I was fortunate to have a positive experience without any hiccups.
Jana Rade
I have to admit it is actually commendable if they come clean about it. I mean, who would know any different?
As upsetting as it must be, the spirit is not contained within the ashes.
Kelly
Personally I would prefer the lie. Ive already been drained emotionally and dont think I could handle the memory of my pet being “out there somewhere”. That would be to painful. Just give me some ashes, tell me its them and I will have comfort. The fact is, I would have the ashes of a pet that was truly loved and meant the world to someone enough that they were cremated, just as mine were to me. They’re for now gone, their memory will live on and when your time has come to go, it wont matter where the ashes are because you will be together again. My heart cant take the pain. I would rather not know.
Kamira Gayle
Kelly,
I understand what you mean. We say the same thing with people. Their spirit doesn’t lie with the body or ashes but moves on. I suppose the same can be said with pets too…actually I feel that in my heart. However, as you can imagine, for some it’s just too painful as you mentioned. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Lindsay Robbins
So this actually just happened to me… After 6 weeks of me calling to see where my dogs ashes are & getting the runaround consistently, I finally called again today to hear that they are unable to find them & will do what they can to find him. I’m beyond words & my heart hurts. I know it’s just his ashes, but still. If they do magically “find” him, I don’t think I will believe that they are his. It’s been so long that there is no way that his ashes are just sitting somewhere. Somewhere the ball got dropped & nobody has had the guts to tell us. Unfortunately, I’m so upset about it that the vets office will be seeing me tomorrow as soon as I get off work for a full refund & an explanation to my kids as to why they can’t have the dog that has been with them their whole lives on the mantle in our new forever home like we have discussed since the day he had to cross the rainbow bridge. This mamma is one unhappy bear right now!
Thank you for this posting, I did find it quite helpful & hope that it helps others that have to endure the grieving process again in a whole other way now.
Kamira Gayle
Lindsay,
First I am so sorry for your loss. Second, I appreciate you sharing your experience as it may help bring validation to other pet parents going through the same experience. It’s a shame that the vet’s office not only dropped the ball but were not upfront about their egregious error from the start. I hope I’ve given you some thoughtful ideas to keep the memory of your dog alive and transfer that good positive into your new forever home.
Michael
Thankfully i didn’t encountered this at my recently availed Pet Cremation Houston, near our home. If this happened to me? I will sue them big time.
Kamira Gayle
I believe you! Trust, I’ve definitely heard many say the same thing too.
Mike K.
So I am unfortunately experiencing this situation right now. I lost 2 of my babies 8 days apart. The first one was sudden and died in my arms. The other was unfortunately not sudden and was an act of kindness as her quality of living had been rapidly declining to the point of not being able to walk without assistance.
1 was buried as he died on a Sunday
The other was done at the vet, whom after waiting 3 weeks since the event, just informed me they are unable to locate her.
I can tell you this much..
Disbelief is very real
Helplessness knowing there is only so much you can do.
Anger is very much present
Confusion as to what went wrong
Heartache beyond belief because as you stated the thought in my head of closure will not be there, but not just for me, but for the other owners of this beloved pet.
Admin
Mike,
First I’m so sorry for your loss of your two fur babies. I cannot imagine the pain of losing them both so close together. I can totally empathize with you on the shock, sadness, confusion and anger. I cannot understand how something like losing ashes happens but can only attribute it to being human. I sincerely hope you get a call and the vet says your babies ashes were incorrectly labeled or something. However, if that doesn’t happen know there are many creative ways to memorialize your pet…including stuffed pillows with images of your cat/dog. Check out some of these other posts that have helped other bereaved pet parents honor their furry family members. I hope it helps. https://impurrfectlife.com/?s=gift+ideas Above all, know both your fur babies are nearby in spirit as the love never dies….I think it’s why our heart aches so.
Angie
I am on day two of them trying to find my dogs ashes,I had a feeling something was wrong so called the vet and they do not have them and they said they are leaving messges for the place that did his ashes but no return calls and we paid for the individual creamation,so now I am grieving again but this time worse because I kept telling myself he will be home and worst of all I promised him he would always be with me and I can not fulfill that promise so the grieving begins again and heart break.
Admin
Angie,
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of you beloved furry family member. I sincerely hope they find your dog’s ashes so you can be reunited as planned and start to find healing in the grieving process. Sending you only positive vibes of comfort. Your dog was blessed to have you as their parent.
Linda Mary Walton
Today I discovered that the vet who euthanised our beautiful beloved Russian Blue cat, William, misunderstood my wishes and did not request the return of his ashes from the crematorium . William was my little soul mate and the most gentle , sweet cat I have ever had. His purrs were the loudest I’d ever known. He followed me everywhere and slept in our bed every night. I’d been devastated at losing him so suddenly from
kidney disease but this has added to the heartbreak. Nothing can change what’s happened and the vet owned up to their mistake albeit with a slight suggestion that it was a combined misunderstanding which I blew out the water. I will ask for compensation which I assume they will be decent enough to agree to but it will go instantly to a local cat charity. Mistakes happen but it’s something that will live with me forever. I still have the hundreds of photos of William, his comfort blankets and all the beautiful collars I bought him that he immediately ripped off and chewed. Stay alert people even in distressing times and take your baby home with you if you’re at all concerned that this could happen to you
Linda Mary Walton
I share your pain. Thinking of you ♥️
Admin
Linda, First I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your heat cat William. He sounded like such a handsome boy and a sweet soul. I appreciate you sharing your own story as I know it will help other grieving pet parents dealing with such an unforeseen heartbreaking situation. Sending you only positive vibes. xoxo
Diane
I recently had to euthanize my beautiful, sweet boy Jackson at 7 years old, he was very ill with lymphoma. He held on for 18 months, as long as he possibly could, but he just became so ill, he could go no longer and I couldn’t let him suffer. My wish was to have private cremation with return of his ashes, as I could not bear the thought of him not being home with me. I didn’t hear anything back from the vet. Turns out all the correct paperwork was filled out, but one careless staff member, whose job is to click one box on a computer screen to electronically tell the crematorium my wishes, neglected to click the box and he is now gone. I am so devastated, heart broken, and angry. I feel like I have failed him twice now. The euthanizing I was learning to accept, but this I just don’t know how I can accept, when all I want is for him to come home.
Admin
Diane,
First, let me say I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy Jackson. He was a fighter indeed…18 months! Bless you for doing what you felt was the best thing for him to end his long battle suffering. I have no doubt Jackson had the best mom and best friend to share his life journey with. I totally empathize with you regarding this horrible situation as I cannot even imagine dealing with this human error. 🙁 I know your plans to have his ashes aren’t possible however I hope some of the suggestions will help to provide a different type of closure. Sending you only positive vibes of comfort and healing.
Anonymous
I also had to have mine euthanized and I also ask for a private cremation and I was supposed to get his ashes back instead I got some other dog’s ashes and I contacted the vet and all they could do was tell me that they was not gonna contact the other people because they did not want to upset anybody else so now I am stuck with someone else’s dog’s ashes and they probably have mine it breaks my heart so much and there’s nothing I can do. It’s not right and it’s not fair we don’t want the money back we don’t want a special Box made we want our pets ashes that was promised to us or I think the people should lose their jobs and not be able to have their license to be a Veterinarian anymore. I’d say some kind of male practice even though it’s a vet……. Your right people do make mistakes but most of them mistakes you got consequences.. But I guess they don’t consider pets important like people……………
Admin
So sorry that happened to you. I agree, actions should have consequences and pet are our family, period.