If you have been following my blog then you know I was a cat mom to two precious furballs named Dusty and Precious. I often talk about Dusty as she is the most recent loss I have experienced to date. I’m doing okay and manage day-to-day however I must share with you some of the reactions I received from people after the death of my cat. I’m thankful to have had supportive family and friends during this time and am so grateful. However, it was during the early stages of the grieving process that I also encountered people telling me the most random things that, to me, came off as quite insensitive.
I only share this as a lesson I learned in healing after pet loss and as a cautionary tale as to what you yourself may encounter or experience after losing a pet. So in no particular order, here are 5 things I heard after grieving the loss of my pet.
SO WHEN ARE YOU GETTING ANOTHER PET?
I remember hearing this from a coworker within one week after losing Dusty. My gut reaction, in my head was to give this person an RKO like Randy Orton from WWE, but no I held my composure together and just responded with “Eventually, it’s too soon now”. I feel like this question is completely out of line; not because of the words but because of the timing.
If you asked me several months or even a year or two later, I could understand however, asking me that question under one week after losing my cat I had for almost 14 years was insensitive. To me, that statement came off as if to say, a cat can be equated to a pair of socks or something completely replaceable you find in the store. Just go get another. No. I would never say that to a grieving mother who lost her child and I would never say that to a grieving pet parent.
IT WAS JUST AN ANIMAL DOG/CAT/ETC?
So for someone to suggest to you “She was just a cat,” is extremely rude. For one to say such things shows me they either 1) Don’t own a pet and 2) If they do own a pet, they don’t put but so much value or meaning on their pet’s lives. Thirdly, I wonder if perhaps the person just never knew what it was like to lose a pet in their lifetime. Sometimes sheer ignorance of not knowing can make people say the craziest things.
In my opinion, as I’m sure many pet parents can agree, our pets are not just animals but family. I firmly believe all our fur babies are unique gifts from above with their own personality, heart, spirit and character. They dedicate and share their entire lives as family members and best friends in our life journey together. They are exceptional beings who display unconditional love like no other with every beat of their precious heart. That is not replaceable.
ARE YOU REALLY HAVING HER CREAMATED?
I wasn’t quite sure how to take this statement at first. On one hand I could understand if someone is a pet parent and is from the old school ways of taking your deceased pet home and burying him or her in the back yard with a headstone under a tree or something. However, times have changed and there are many different ways in which people choose to “dispose” or even memorialize their pet.
Aside from burial, cremation is an option. There are beautiful options for urns to put your beloved’s ashes in or even lockets with space to put ashes inside as well. You’d be surprised at all the different ways people choose to use ashes; from using seeds and ashes in a planter to keeping ashes in an urn, there are so many options.
Essentially, the point is, it is nobody’s business but mine how I choose to discard of the physical body. What is right for me may not be right for you. It’s my perogative, my pet and my choice in the manner I choose to honor her memory. The choice of a pet parent to use cremation or not is a personal choice and a boundary that should not be overstepped.
SHE/HE WAS OLD ANYWAY.
This comment just blows my mind. Yes, I quite understand that cats and dogs, as well as other animal species, don’t have a life span of 78 human years however that doesn’t make their lives any less significant. That fact does not lessen the heartbreak.
To use a dramatic example, you would never say to a grieving child who lost a parent, “Well they were old anyway. It was their time”. Seriously? Where is your compassion? So they were older and what? That doesn’t make the pain of grieving and their memory any less. Yes, we understand nobody lives forever, but the pain of grief remains the same. The heartache is real and the love shared between a pet and his owner is great. That should be honored and respected, not trivialized because the life expectancy is significantly shorter.
YOU HAVEN’T MOVED ON YET?
Newsflash. There is no time limit on grieving. Everyone is different. Some people are able to properly grieve and move on to adopting another pet in 3 months, whereas other people take longer. And that’s okay.
However, what is not okay is to judge and force your opinion of what is an adequate time to grieve on me or anyone else. What works for you, doesn’t have to work for me the same way. There are stages of grief and the processing of grief takes time. That amount of time varies person to person. So, it is foolish to assume and imply someone should “Get over it” on a quick time-table to suit your comfort level.
Have some respect for the person’s situation and experience they are dealing with. Time does heal however there is no designated end point for grief. It’s a continual process with ups and downs, just like the challenges of life. What a grieving pet parent would rather hear is comforting words of support not criticism.
So those are just 5 things I have heard after the loss of my pet. Have you encountered any of these same experiences? Comment and share your thoughts below.
Did you like this post? Be sure to check out my other guest post for CPC Cares 5 Tips to comfort a grieving pet parent and 10 Things to Avoid
Sweet Purrfections says
September 24, 2018 at 6:21 pmI did receive the comment “it’s only a cat” and I set him straight quickly. Many people tried to encourage me to get new kittens before I was ready and some were surprised I got two kittens within 6 months of losing Praline. Each of us must do what we need to help heal.
Kamira Gayle says
September 25, 2018 at 11:10 pmKuddos to you!! Comments that are so harsh honestly catch me so off guard I’m there stuck with no words. I really admire you and your ability to come right back at him and set him straight in the moment. I agree with you. We all do what we must to help move forward in healing. Whatever that may be may not be the same for everyone, and that’s okay!
Beth says
September 24, 2018 at 3:19 pmIt is never easy to lose a loved one, regardless of what species the loved one might be. People are sometimes callous because they are uncomfortable with another person’s emotions and don’t know what to say. I once had someone tell me that I should be over the death of my best (human) friend about a year after she died. Grief never goes away, but if we’re lucky it becomes less intense.
Kamira Gayle says
September 25, 2018 at 11:08 pmBeth,
Wow! Really? Comments like that boggle my mind and leave me speechless! I’m so sorry that happened to you. Grief has no time limit and everyone is entitled to process their grief in their own way and on their own timetable.
Cathy Armato says
September 24, 2018 at 12:08 pmSometimes it shocks me when people say things like that. I honestly think they just don’t know any better and they haven’t loved an animal like we have – their loss really. They don’t mean to be hurtful and stupid, they can’t help themselves. Hopefully this can enlighten some people.
Love & Biscuits,
Dogs Luv Us and We Luv Them
Kamira Gayle says
September 25, 2018 at 11:06 pmCathy,
That’s so true. It really is their loss. It just is ultra shocking when comments like that come from other pet parents. That’s okay though because when the tables are turned they will really understand the magnitude of the words that are spoken. Sometimes wisdom is only learned by going through the fire and learning empathy and compassion the hard way.
Rachel says
September 23, 2018 at 10:39 pmWow, I can’t believe people would say things like that. I guess as a fellow pet parent, it would never cross my mind to think that, much less say that to someone. I’m sorry there’s a need to write a post like this in the first place, but it’s definitely a good one and I hope it will help some people learn what not to say.
Kamira Gayle says
September 25, 2018 at 11:04 pmRachel,
Yes! It’s very jarring when you hear it after suffering a fresh loss. Like salt to a wound! But I write my experience and share my journey so other bereaved pet parents understand what they may expect and also know they are not alone in their grief. We have been there and understand. Thanks for the kind words!
Holly says
September 23, 2018 at 8:02 pmPeople are so – I don’t know, insensitive? dumb? It is like they don’t think, they just open their mouth and don’t care what comes out. My cats are as dear to me as my kids (if you ask the kids I love the cats more lol) and it crushes me when they leave me. Yes, I’m grieving – leave me alone about it, don’t tell me it was just a cat, or he was old anyway.
Kamira Gayle says
September 25, 2018 at 11:03 pmHolly,
Well said! Trust me, I understand exactly what you mean. Sometimes it just leaves me speechless.
Lola The Rescued Cat says
September 23, 2018 at 12:24 pmThis is a great reminder for people. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if people are insensitive or just don’t know what to say. This is definitely helpful.
Kamira Gayle says
September 25, 2018 at 11:00 pmVery true. It’s definitely a fine line.
Jana Rade says
September 23, 2018 at 12:16 pmThis is a good list of things no greaving pet parent wants to hear. However, it might be an interesting project to try and compile a list of things TO say then.
Kamira Gayle says
September 25, 2018 at 11:00 pmJana,
Thank you! Yes! You should check out my guest post for CPCCares.com addressing this very topic. You can view the post here https://www.cpccares.com/blog/comfort-grieving-pet-parent/
Delores overby says
September 22, 2018 at 11:10 pmKamira what a great topic to share with us. People can be so insensitive about the loss of a pet. My family lost our beloved cat when she was only eight years old in 2006 and I still remember when I got the call she had pass. I was on a business trip when my husband called me with the bad news. That was 12 years ago and I still think about her and I have so many times replay that call in my mind. Now I thank about her in heaven and having a great time. Her sister passed away in 2015 at the age of 14 years old from cancer. The two of them shared many fun times together. By the way I call these sweet cats my grandchildren . So they’re together now in heaven having a great time. However, we miss them both so much and it was very hard on my two daughters.
Some of you may be thinking this crazy woman believes her granddaughters cats are in heaven. But let me tell you that’s what I believe and it’s my only way I’m able to cope with loosing them. My youngest daughter got another female cat from a friend who was getting married and her husband had some kind of problem with cats so my daughter took her. Long story short, my daughter job sent her to London for two years so we took her until she return. During the two years she flew back on Holidays to be with family and to see her cat. She finished her assignment in 2012 and her cat wanted nothing to do with her which really hurt her. We told her to just give her a little time and she would come around. Well it took four years for her to let her pet her and we still have her she very attached to my husband. So that’s how things turned out and we all love her.
Once again Kamira thank you for sharing and bringing it to people attention that our pets are family.
Kamira Gayle says
September 25, 2018 at 10:58 pmThanks for sharing your story and thanks for the kind words. Yes, our pets are not just animals, they are loving beings and family. They are with us through many life changes, moves, careers, marriages and illness and everything in between. I’m glad that after so much time, your current cat is able to let your daughter pet her now. Every furry family member adjusts in their own way on their own timetable…some a bit longer than others.
No judgement zone here! You aren’t the only one that views their pets as furkids or furgrandkids! They are family after all! 🙂
Ruth Epstein says
September 22, 2018 at 10:50 pmFantastic post and to this day I will not shop at the corner pet store after what the woman said to me when Baby died, it angers me to this day. I feel people do not think when they talk and how much it can hurt a person.
Kamira Gayle says
September 25, 2018 at 10:48 pmRuth,
So true! People underestimate the power of their words!
Michelle & The Paw Pack says
September 21, 2018 at 10:31 pmGreat post! I think for some people it can be hard to know what the right things to say to someone experiencing a loss are. These for sure are things I wouldn’t want to hear after loosing a pet.
Kamira Gayle says
September 22, 2018 at 6:43 pmThis is true. Sometimes people are at a loss of the correct thing to say. Sometimes less is more. I remember when suffering Dusty’s loss a close friend at work (who I knew was a very shy guy) just gave me a hug and said. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I honestly felt his genuine compassion and just his gesture and few words meant a lot.
Hindy Pearson says
September 21, 2018 at 5:48 pmGreat post Kamira, and a lesson many need to learn. I had this discussion in my senior dog group and I asked people what type of things they had people say to them after the loss of their dog. I was shocked by some of the horrible and thoughtless comments made, and many of them by friends and family. I hope this will get people thinking and realise animals are as much members of our family as those with 2 legs, and we feel their loss just as deeply.
Kamira Gayle says
September 22, 2018 at 6:42 pmHindy,
Well said!! The things people say can really can be quite shocking. You think people closest to you would have MORE sense to be delicate with their choice of words, but it always doesn’t end up that way. It’ s so true…our furry friends are more that just pets, they are family!
Gill Newman says
September 21, 2018 at 1:12 pmLost my 13 year old gorgeous boy Vinnie very suddenly 2 days ago and the support I have received from fellow pet owners has been amazing. Can’t say the same for some family members who have only ever had children and not animals in their lives and have said things like “oh well, he had a good run”. Or “at least you had a good few years with him”. They do not understand the unconditional love they give you and how much of a hole they leave in your heart. Have decided to have him cremated hence finding your blog today which has really helped me. Thank you xx
Kamira Gayle says
September 22, 2018 at 6:40 pmGill,
Oh I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad to hear that you do have a few friends that do “get it” and are there to support you and help you when you need them most. I understand exactly what you mean. It especially hurts when those closest to you say such things. I’m happy you found my blog and it has given you some comfort and validation. That’s my goal! Helping other bereaved pet parents during their most difficult times. You’re in my thoughts. RIP Vinnie.
Joseph Abimbola says
September 21, 2018 at 12:11 pmAww, pets are wonderful creatures too and people should regard them as such. Thanks for sharing.
Kamira Gayle says
September 22, 2018 at 6:36 pmYou’re welcome. Thanks for stopping by to read my content!
caren gittleman says
September 19, 2018 at 12:11 pmgreat job of covering the top annoyances when losing a pet (comments from insensitive people)……only true pet parents like yourself “get it”
Kamira Gayle says
September 22, 2018 at 6:35 pmThank you Caren!! I know YOU get it too!
Aimable Cats says
June 21, 2017 at 4:53 pm“He’s just a cat / barn cat.”
No, he was my cat.
Maggie says
May 10, 2017 at 6:42 amI had to say goodbye to my Oscar this past January. I had him with me going on 19 years. I know he was old but I still struggle with the loss and people’s reactions to it. Thanks for your article.
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:40 pmMaggie,
Oh 19 wonderful years. That’s such a blessing! I totally understand , despite Oscar’s age, we wish our fur kids to beat the odds. (hey it’s possible. There are some cats that live into their 20s!! No lie!) It’s so insensitive when people brush of death like “well statistically cats live until 14 so…”. Regardless any passing is heartwrenching. I hope this blog gives you comfort and validation during this difficult time. RIP Oscar. The love never dies!
Bryn Nowell says
April 24, 2017 at 4:50 pmI am always amazed by the audacity of what some people say. Thanks for sharing this post and I hope it reminds folks that our pets are our family and the grieving process is as real for pets as it is for other family members. I’m so sorry for your losses, it is difficult I’m sure and I hope you have found comfort in this community and sharing stories/memories of your pets on your blog.
Kamira Gayle says
April 25, 2017 at 8:50 amThank you Bryn. You said it perfectly. Thanks for the words of comfort. The grief lessens every week and having support in communities with other pet lovers via this blog definitely helps. 🙂