How do you cope when your pet’s ashes have been lost? This is a question I have seen here and there since starting my blog. I haven’t had it happen to me; however, I felt it necessary to address it because it happens quite frankly. As a grieving pet owner, I wanted to address this, especially after reading and listening to testimonies of other grieving pet parents.
How do you deal with losing that sense of closure?
My heart goes out to those who have lost a pet and also have to deal with missing ashes on top of everything else. So with this question in mind, “How do you cope when your pet’s ashes have been lost?”
After doing some research online and listening to other pet parents, here are a few suggestions that may help provide some ideas and support for those parents dealing with this awful predicament.
Dealing with the Negative Realities
- There will now be closure differently than you pictured in your mind.
The horrible reality about this situation is that you will never get that form of closure that you envisioned in your head. I can’t even imagine what I’d do. One thing is for sure, you could have everything planned out, and yet life will still throw you a curveball. It’s heart-wrenching, shocking, and enraging to think that the vet or crematorium could lose the remains of someone so precious to us. This leads me to my next point.
- Humans are imperfect and make mistakes.
There is not much else I can say except the fact of the matter is humans are flawed. I think our furballs are God’s angels on Earth with fur and are pretty perfect, in my opinion. Humans, not so much. I have a running joke that I prefer animals over people. Seriously, I have shirts made too!
But I digress; the reality is that for whatever reason, there may be that rare occasion where someone messed up and either mixed ashes when they were not supposed to or misplaced and lost them.
What do Impurrfectlife readers and pet parents have to say?
I posed this question in a Facebook post a while back, and here are some of the responses from fellow pet owners, including comments from staff from a licensed crematorium. Take a look at the screenshots below.
Responses to a few pet owners…
Response from a licensed crematorium…
So if this happens to you, what next?
Get down to business.
- Talk to your vet or crematorium and get your money back.
Honestly, it’s the very least they should do in addition to apologizing for their error. It’s not really up for debate.
If a company promised to deliver a specific service you paid for and does not deliver, the least they can do is refund your money.
- Secondly, a nice added touch of professionalism would be for the vet or crematorium to offer to pay for a custom memorial piece.
This is not to say they will do such a thing; however, going out of their way to make an effort to make good on their error would mean more to me in the long run.
- Don’t hesitate to ask them to keep looking for the ashes.
Sometimes, the ashes are not lost but just moved or misplaced. Perhaps staff did not communicate this to the appropriate staff on duty. You don’t know how organized the team is in the office. So, you lose nothing by requesting they keep looking for your pets’ ashes anyway.
- Remember there are two types of cremation- Individual and group cremation.
I, for one, opted to have both my cats, Precious and Dusty, cremated individually. Some people want their own pet’s ashes separate, and others don’t mind having their pets’ remains cremated with a group of other deceased pets.
I wanted to point this out because if you are a pet parent that opted to have your pet’s remains cremated separately but discovered the crematorium or vet mistakenly had your pet’s remains cremated in a group, you technically still have a portion of their remains.
However, the difference is that those remains of your beloved are mixed with others. Some bereaved pet parents may opt to still take some small part of their loved ones rather than nothing.
When you finally leave the crematorium or the veterinarian’s office, there is the task of learning to live life in a brand new way and deal with the grief.
Learning to grieve differently
What do I mean? It’s one thing to grieve death and another to mourn the loss without having closure. What would I do? What should I expect?
Understand you will experience all the stages of grief, especially anger. You can check out my prior blog post about the 5 Stages of grief here.
I’d also get online and visit pet parent forums with others that have been where you are. You can check out this Reddit post to see other thoughts from bereaved pet parents that have experienced this situation.
Get the proper support from friends, family, and a professional therapist if needed. Here are 8 Resources for healing after pet loss you may want to explore.
Remember, you are allowed to get angry and find healthy ways to vent and let out your energy. Some ideas you may want to consider are kickboxing class, hiking, journaling, or whatever helps you constructively release the pent-up energy.
When enough time has passed
After some time has passed, you want to be able to have some sense of closure, so it’ll be up to you to create that for yourself in a brand new way.
Alternative ways to memorialize your pet
- Instead of ashes, consider your pet’s hair to keep.
Do you have pet hair on your furniture? Remember how some parents kept a lock of hair from their firstborn child in a baby book? Who is to say you cannot keep some pet hair for yourself?
Some companies make memorial jewelry that includes pet hair as part of the process. You carry a piece of them with you always.
- Plant a tree in their memory.
A second option to memorialize your pet is to plant a living tree in your yard. It’s a thoughtful way to help not only the environment but also a living representation of the fact that the love built over time is like the roots of a tree. The bond runs deep and will keep growing, even after they are gone.
Looking at the tree will be a lovely reminder memorial planted in your pet’s honor.
- Thirdly, have a memorial service.
You don’t have to have the ashes or body remains present to hold a memorial service for your pet. Dedicate the service to remembering and honoring your pet with an enlarged favorite photo and a keepsake box of their favorite items, such as their collar, toys, and blanket.
- For even more ways to memorialize your pet, check my previous blog posts below
Final thoughts
Those are my tips on how to deal when you find your vet has lost your pet’s ashes. Again, I can’t say from experience, but I can empathize. I hope reading this post and the comments from other pet parents help validate your feelings and give you ideas on how to honor your pet differently, despite not having their ashes.
Remember, our pet’s everlasting memory lies not in the ashes or the body but in love, shared memories, and our hearts.
Although they aren’t with us physically, they are here in spirit, with their angel wings, always by our side. I think that’s why our hearts often feel so heavy; our love for our furry family member never died; it grew deeper the day we said goodbye.
Have you ever had your pet’s ashes go missing? How did you handle the situation? What other suggestions would you add?
Share your thoughts below.
