What Does Grief Look Like When a Spouse Dies?
A guest post by Camille Johnson of Bereaver.com
Losing your life partner is the moment in life that we all dread most. And while losing a spouse at 80 feels different than losing a spouse at 30, it doesn’t make it any easier. Most of us imagine our partner’s death coming peacefully in old age, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn that drops us into a pit of grief we never saw coming.
The scenario we think of first is the unexpected death. A heart attack on a Sunday afternoon, a fall that quickly takes a turn for the worse, a pulmonary embolism that silently makes its way to the heart. Then, you’re left to wrap up unfinished business while you’re still hoping it’s all a bad dream, rehearsing what you’d say if you only had a chance to say goodbye.
Grief Stages
It’s after a sudden death that the five stages of grief start to make sense. At first, you can’t believe it. You wake up each morning expecting your spouse to be there, and over and over, you’re taken to your knees when he isn’t. You get angry: it makes no sense, it isn’t fair and it wasn’t their time. And then you wonder what you might have done differently; if only you’d made him go to the doctor that one time, maybe he’d still be here. When it all settles — a deep sadness that seems like it will never fade.
Cause and effect
And what if the cause isn’t so irreproachable as a cardiac event? Drug overdose deaths are on the rise, and deaths topped 100,000 in 2021. Drug abuse naturally leads to conflicted relationships, adding a whole new, confusing element to the grieving process. You’re angry at your loved one for leaving you, angry at yourself for not stopping it, and mourning both the spouse that died and the spouse you lost to addiction months or years before. And on top of it all, you may feel ashamed to talk about the circumstances surrounding the death, choosing to bottle up your difficult feelings instead.
The unexpected
Then there are the deaths that are anything but sudden, the losses preceded by months or years of decline. When your spouse has a terminal illness, the grieving starts well before he passes away. According to What’s Your Grief, anticipatory grief carries all the same hallmarks of normal grief — sadness, anger, and isolation — and on top of it, the exhaustion and anxiety of being a caregiver. And when your spouse dies, you might experience the rush of grief all over again, or you might feel a wave of relief that’s painful in its own confusing and guilt-ridden way.
Just like we expect our spouse’s death to be typical, we expect the path of our grief to be fairly straightforward. But the truth is, there’s no one path through the spouse-loss journey. Grief, like death, takes many forms. And while some surviving spouses bounce back in six months or a year, others live with a lingering sadness that never goes away.
Self-help tips
While there’s no surefire way to heal a grieving heart, there are some things you can do to help yourself carry on:
- Lean on your support system for comfort and help keep up with the demands of life.
- Stay social, don’t isolate yourself. Even if it’s just a phone call to a friend or relative every day, it’s important to maintain connections.
- If you work from home, take steps to manage your mental health with regular exercise, staying in touch with co-workers, and working in an area with plenty of natural light.
- Do your best to keep taking care of yourself — eat healthy meals and snacks, drink plenty of water, manage your hygiene and keep the house tidy and free of anything that can drain you.
And if it’s all still too much to handle, talk to a professional for help processing your grief.
Grief is a journey that takes you to many different places, and it’s never the same for anyone. Acknowledging your grief and making an effort to care for yourself and stay connected right now will help. They say time heals, and hopefully, you’ll begin to find a way forward before too long.
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