How to talk to your children about the loss of a pet
* A special guest post by CPC Cares – ‘Provider of Pet Cremation Services for bereaved pet owners with sensitivity and respect’.
Talking about death and bereavement is, to most people, a taboo subject, especially when it comes to talking with children. At CPC, we feel it is important for all ages to understand that grieving is a natural part of life and an important emotion that shouldn’t be ignored.
We have spent many years working with bereaved families and know that a child’s bond with their pet can be just as strong as an adult’s, so their grief should not be ignored.
The death of a pet is, for the most part, something that every pet owner will have to deal with. Adding the death of a much-loved children’s pet opens up a whole host of issues.
Helping Children through Bereavement
Tell the truth
It is extremely important to let children know that their pet has died and will not be coming back. Use language appropriate to the child’s age and tell the truth. Children are very perceptive and will pick up if you aren’t being truthful.
Don’t use euphemisms.
Don’t use sayings like ‘gone away’ or ‘to a farm’ as these invite more questions back from the child as to when will they be coming back and is it somewhere they can go visit. Don’t say they ‘have gone to sleep’ as this can often cause children to be afraid of going to sleep in case they (or you) won’t wake up.
Listen & Comfort
Every child reacts differently to learning that their beloved pet and friend has died. They might cry or ask more questions or not react at all. Just stay with them and answer as many questions as you can and offer reassurance and hugs.
Respect children’s feelings
As already said, children will feel the loss just as much as adults. Respect their feelings and allow them to express themselves. This will help them come to terms with the loss.
Put emotions into words.
Encourage your child to talk to you about their thoughts and feelings and empathize that you feel the same. Get them use to the thought that their feelings are normal, and as time passes, things will get better.
Give them a role
It’s good to get them involved by asking them what they want to do that’s special for the pet. You might want to suggest a memorial in the garden or a keepsake to remind them of their pet; for example, a popular keepsake is a picture frame that discreetly contains the pet’s ashes.
Talk about the arrangements / attend the cremation
Allowing your child to attend the cremation gives them the chance to say a final goodbye. Sometimes the last memory up until then is soiled by visions of death. Here at CPC, we can cremate letters and other memorials with your pet, or you can take them home and create a lovely memorial area.
We also make it an option for you to attend the cremation. We have four sites across the UK with wonderful staff. You are not rushed and have a bereavement advisor on hand every step of the way. This can be a good opportunity to allow the children to leave toys, cards, poetry, or letters with their friend after they’ve said goodbye.
After the Cremation or burial, be sure to always talk about the pet with love and fondness, and once you see the pain starting to go away and your child mentions having another pet may signal that the time is right for you and your family to consider getting another pet.
Final Thoughts
Children are often more resilient and accepting than we give them credit for. By following the advice in this blog the loss of a beloved pet can be a valuable life lesson. And while bereavement is a difficult experience, parents shouldn’t put off pet ownership as the benefits of sharing our lives with pets is one of the most rewarding experiences that I know of.
If you like this post, you can find more helpful bereavement support and resources at CPC Cares!
Have you ever had to talk to your children about pet loss? Comment and share your experience below.
Pin Me!
Post originally published May 2017. Updated October 2021.
26 Comments
Elizabeth Seal
Aw such a great post! This is such an important topic and such great advice about how to deal with this situation. Although it can be traumatic to lose a pet and family member, it is such a good way for children to learn about life and what naturally has to happen. It feels like a great loss but we can help them to see it as a positive thing too, to celebrate the time with the pet and that they were so special xx
elizabeth ♡ ”Ice Cream” whispers Clara
I’m hoping I might be able to entice you to follow each other on bloglovin xD
Kamira Gayle
Elizabeth,
I’m glad you liked this guest post. Well said. Yes, it is helpful for kids to learn these life lessons and also celebrate their lives at the same time. Followed you as well.
The Daily Pip
Such great tips. When our dog passed away my daughter was 7. She handled it very differently than I did. She pretty got it all out at once – right before we left for the vet and directly afterwards. She cried hysterically but then the next day she was feeling better. It was kind of like she got it ALL out and then started to heal. Whereas for me the grief lingered and still lingers. As mentioned above, there’s no right way to grief – everyone is different.
Kamira Gayle
Thanks for sharing your personal experience. Wow. I commend your daugther. You are absolutely right. We all grieve differently. I’m similar to you…it’s been a journey for sure. Still miss my furballs.
Ruth Epstein
Important post and I remember when Baby died and I had to tell the kids who knew her. It was hard but we sat and spoke about it plus I used Rainbow Bridge which opened up for more discussion. We cried together, laughed together and it was one of the hardest lessons I feel I have ever had with them, but it was healthy also. One of my fondest memories from this is when I was in the car with a friend and her son said to me if you look into the sky there are stars and Baby is shining down on us.
Kamira Gayle
Ruth,
Sounds like you explained things very well, even though it was so hard. Aww …the son’s words made me smile, ” Baby is shining down on us.” So true. I definitely believe that.
Anita Aurit Purrsonal Assistant to The Tribe of Five
What a helpful post. It’s hard enough for us adults to grieve the loss of a pet and very, ,very difficult for children. Our veterinary providers have a beautiful rose garden on the back of their property. We had the choice to have our Angel Miss P.’s ashes scattered in that garden and that’s what we chose. It took a while before we could visit but every time I see those beautiful roses and listen to the little stream, I enjoy all the memories she left us with in her 18 years.
Kamira Gayle
Anita,
What a beautiful way to memorialize Miss P. So sorry for your loss too. It sounds like you had a wonder compassionate veterinarian.
Julia Williams
Some really good advice here. I don’t like when parents aren’t honest with their children about what happened to the pet. When they grow up, they’re going to figure it out and know they were lied to, for one thing. And it doesn’t help them heal their heart. I like your idea of finding some special way they can memoralize their pet.
Kamira Gayle
Julia,
You are so right about the lying part. I’ve heard from other grieving pet parents that said that very thing. They were lied to as a child and it caused a big strain on the parent-child relationship to present day. I think sometimes parents don’t give their kids enough credit and realize they are so much more resilient.
Dear Mishu
Such great advice. Tell the truth. Don’t use euphemisms. Give them a role. All of this is really useful for when the time inevitably comes.
Kamira Gayle
Right Mishu!
The Dash Kitten Crew
I don’t have kids but it must be a real mission telling them and making them understand when they are so young. I know it would have hit me hard.
Kamira Gayle
True. I don’t have any kids either, however parents sometimes forget kids are smarter and stronger than we give them credit for.
Beth
These are great things to keep in mind. My children had hamsters, and while it was very hard when the hamsters died, I think it helped them learn important lessons. I attended a grief seminar to help teachers help their students, and one thing they taught us is that for an important family member, a child may have to grieve several times throughout their life, as their emotional and mental capacities increase.
Kamira Gayle
Beth,
Very true. Death is a part of the many life lessons we all will have to deal with at one point in our lives or another. Never easy to talk about however it’s better to deal with the realities of life than ignore them.
Sweet Purrfections
These are some great tips! I sometimes wonder if children can get over the death of a pet easier then we as adults. I know there are still times that I struggle with the loss of my previous cat, Praline. I remember the pets I lost as a child and even though I was upset at the time, I recovered quicker as a child as an adult. Just a thought
Kamira Gayle
Paula,
I think this is true. I know in my case this to be true. I’m sure other adults can relate to exactly what you are talking about. Kids are much stronger than we often give them credit for.
Sandy Kubillus
I agree that being honest with a child is the right thing to do – not say he went to a home in the country. If the pet is ill, I think it is pretty easy to explain the death of a pet since they can see the pet is suffering. What is hard is when the pet gets hit by a car or has to be put down for other reasons, such as biting. Telling a kid that a pet that was healthy is now gone is very confusing and hard for everyone. It can be especially hard for a kid that grew up with that pet and hadn’t known loss before. The death of a pet is often their first experience with death.
Kamira Gayle
Sandy,
Well said and this is very true. I agree, especially with unexpected /sudden loss as well.
Lola The Rescued cat
It’s so difficult for children to understand death in general, and the loss of a beloved pet is heartbreaking. I think celebrating their pets’ lives is a good way to help them cope with the loss. This is a great guest post about a subject people don’t like to discuss.
Kamira Gayle
So true!
Holly
This is a really important post. I know it is hard to have to tell a child their beloved furry friend has passed away but kids get it and really are resilient. And really the conversation should start long before the pet is dead. If you have an old animal start the conversation. If you have a pocket pet who’s lifespan is only a couple years, talk about it. If you have a fish dependent on water chemistry, explain it Don’t run down to the pet store and try to find an exact match for your kid’s buddy. Even if you get lucky with color and pattern it still isn’t your kid’s buddy. They’re going to know something is off. Be strong and tell the truth. Be the shoulder to cry on. And suggest some of these memorial ideas. I have a beautiful garden stone someone made me for my Sassy girl. When I see it I remember her fondly.
Kamira Gayle
Well said Holly!! I agree with you 100%
Cathy Armato
What a wonderful post, Kamira. It is so important to tell kids the truth and acknowledge their feelings of grief, not sweep it under the rug or try to make the child move on too quickly. Thanks for writing this.
Love & Biscuits,
Dogs Luv Us and We Luv Them
Kamira Gayle
Cathy,
So glad you enjoyed this great guest post!