After the loss of my pets I have learned a lot; particularly after the recent loss of my second cat Dusty. I hope the lessons and tips I have learned will help other pet parents in their journey post pet loss or even for preparing for the future. These ideas will hopefully help you take on a fresh perspective and also provide information about options you may have not considered. Here are 8 Things I wish I knew before experiencing pet loss. My hope is that through my experience, you can find validation, support and comfort.
1. You can make arrangements with your vet in advance
When you hear a veterinarian talk about having to put a pet down you automatically think that it was an urgent decision or one that had to be made at the last moment. What I never realized until after the fact was that in many instances, pet owners are dealing with pets with terminal illnesses and they know that there are no other options for cures. So at that point some pet parents make the decision to choose a day in advance and can have their pet put out of their misery.
I never knew that or I guess never had that though process with Dusty. My immediate frame of mind was “Okay. So how can we fight this cancer? What options are there?” I only thought that that may be an option when the time presents itself but never thought , “ Let me book a date in advance”. I don’t think that would have worked for me however if is a viable option for someone else, by all means do so.
2. Final goodbyes don’t have to be in a sterile office
I wish I knew about this before Dusty’s passing. When my first cat passed she passed away at home in my arms. Honestly she passed away in what felt like about 20 minutes or so. And although it was shocking and alarming there was a sense of peace in that she was with me and my sister in our home environment with family around her. I could feel my cat Precious’ last breath leave her body. There came a sense of closure being home.
On the other hand with Dusty, having to take her to an urgent care 24 hour vet in a sterile office other than our usual vet (due to after hours), it felt awkward. Although the staff was very caring and compassionate the environment was foreign and just not the same as the comforts of home.
It was not until Dusty had long passed away that I learned you could have arranged for final transition of your pet in the comfort of your home. If I had known then what I know now I totally would have done so. I don’t regret my decision because I did the best I could with the knowledge I had however now that I’m more informed of options, I know that is a possibility in the future if I need it. If I were in a pet’s place I would definitely want the comforts of home to be the last thing I see. It would make for a better loving comforting surroundings in my last moments.
3. Memorials don’t have to be morbid
Although pet loss is devastating and hard, it’s important to not overwhelm yourself in the sadness. It can easily keep you in a depressed state. I’m all for taking time to grieve but also an advocate for finding ways to positively have an outlet to express grief too. Whether it’s in writing or painting or just getting outside out of the bed, it’s important to remember our pets always wanted to put a smile on our faces and that desire doesn’t end now that they aren’t here in the physical.
With that in mind, making a memorial in honor of your pet doesn’t have to be reduced to only head stones and ashes. There are companies doing remarkable unique things for pet owners grieving the loss of their pets. Companies like Petsies that make plushies that resemble your pets help take the morbidity out of death. (I have it on my list of things to get this year!) Also Pet Perennials is a company I learned about that allows pet parents to re-purpose your pets ashes and use them in part along with seeds and soil to plant living memorials to honor your pet that lives on. (Antoher item on my to do list!) So knowing that there are companies out there today that make the grieving process more manageable and not so depressing is a positive thing.
4. That human-pet connection is not over
I’ve shared my experiences about life after death in another post called “4 Reasons why I think Pets have an afterlife”. After coming home from the urgent vet care and walking into my home, my husband and I could still feel Dusty’s energy. It‘s like she was still there but not physically there. Even several days after we both encountered odd experiences that let us know Dusty never really left us, but just transitioned in a different form of energy.
All you science majors out there that understand the formula E=mc2? Well essentially that formula equates to the idea that energy is neither created nor destroyed but just rather changes form. I like to think of our bond with our pets in the same manner. The love you share with a pet or family member is never is dead, but only changes form.
5. Grief has no time limit
I took the loss of my second cat Dusty so much harder than my first cat Precious. What I’ve learned in this process is that every grief is different and there is no time limit. How you grieve for one loss is not going to be the same as another. Just remember to take time to grieve. Take things one day at a time and release those emotions. Some say the level of grief is equated in part to the amount of time and love shared. Perhaps that true. But regardless you get up every day and keep your head up. You may not feel like it but remembering what your pet would do to put a smile on your face and make you smile, gives you that push to honor them and yourself and keep moving in a forward direction. We are all works in progress.
6. The impact is more than just mental
What I also learned in the process of grieving was that grief of this magnitude this time around was literally traumatic to me. I’m not only talking about mentally being distraught and emotional but my mind literally impacted my physical state.
What do I mean? Aside from crying my eyes out for 2.5 days straight where my eyelids where swollen almost shut as if I was a female boxer, but my body physically was fatigued and tired. And without getting overly graphic, my normal monthly female cycle was even disrupted. I called my doctor out of concern and she even expressed that due to the nature of a loss like this it is absolutely not unheard of for the body to be impacted as such. I just never knew these things and have been learning along the way.
7. There are resources to help
When I first experienced the loss of my cats it was a great help to have family and friends who support you. But for some people, you need a little extra help and support. Depending on how your pet passed you may even need more answers or validation. This is in part why I felt the need to create this blog. I knew after experiencing such a loss, others had to feel the way I did. People need resources and comfort and inspiration after such a devastating event.
Just know that there is help out here. You may have to dig, scratch and claw to find answers but don’t quit. Check out my prior post called 8 Resources for healing after pet loss to get started. You aren’t alone in your feelings. Just like you, I understand, and there are many thousands if not millions of other pet parents that have been where you are.
8. You will realize what real strength is
And this leads me to my last revelation. I read a quote that really resonated with this experience. To paraphrase it states: “You never know just how strong you are until you are put in a position where it is the only choice you have.” Sound familiar? Pet loss is one of the hardest things you may experience, but if there is one thing I know without a shadow of a doubt I would do it all again because my furbabies meant the world to me. A love like that is priceless and irreplaceable. Adopting and raising furry family members is totally worth it even if they are not meant to be on this Earth forever.
And lastly, know that through experiences like this it is when our true strength is discovered. Keep those memories of your family with paws fresh. Focus on the positive fun times to help get you through. And remember, when you feel depressed or think you cannot get out of bed, think of how Fluffy would respond to your sad demeanor. Fluffy would be right in your face to jump on you and lick your face or give you head butts to let you know they will always be there loving you and by your side. With that in mind, gather the inner strength to rise and know that not even a thing like death can stop that love that remains. They never quit on us, so honor them by showing the tenacity to move forward each day. That is strength to me.
“Love never fails…” -1 Corinthians 13:8
Did any of these tips resonate with you? Let me know your thoughts. Comment below.
Dorothy "FiveSibesMom" says
May 11, 2017 at 9:29 pmWow…this is an amazing and powerful post. Yes, so many resonate with me. I just lost one of my beloved Huskies in December 2015 quite suddenly. He was my heart dog. And I so believe they are still here…he has given me signs after his passing and on his first birthday after his passing (a month later) that are definite signs telling me he is okay and still with me. I’m Pinning this post to share and to come back to reread again when I feel sad…there is comfort in knowing others know exactly how I feel. Thank you for this heartfelt and loving post for pets we have loved and lost.
Kamira Gayle says
May 12, 2017 at 11:20 pmThank you Dorothy. And I’m sorry to hear about Huskies as well. My heart goes out to you and your husband. Glad you liked this post. Definitely follow on social or subscribe to by bi weekly newsletter to stay informed with new content. 🙂 Thanks for your support.
Talent Hounds says
May 11, 2017 at 12:49 pmIt’s always so hard to lose a loved one and I’m so sorry for your loss. It definitely does make a difference though having good information and being able to deal with it on your terms. Thank you for sharing this!
Kamira Gayle says
May 12, 2017 at 11:17 pmThank you!
Gone to the Snow Dogs says
May 11, 2017 at 11:23 am“Grief has no time limit” So many people who aren’t pet owners do not understand this at all. This is so true. It has been over 4 years since my husband and I lost our Shiloh and neither of us have stopped grieving for her.
Some vets offices also are now adding special rooms and areas for helping your pet at the end. It may not be as nice as home, but at least it’s something
Kamira Gayle says
May 12, 2017 at 11:17 pmWell said. That is nice to know vets are adding special rooms now. It’s not perfect but like you said, it’s something. Thanks for sharing.
Tenacious Little Terrier says
May 11, 2017 at 4:36 amYes, there are several vet services that specialize in offering euthanasia services at home here. Circumstances permitting, it seems like a more peaceful way to go.
Sweet Purrfections says
May 10, 2017 at 11:27 pmEven though I’ve had several pets over my lifetime, my previous cat, Praline, was the first cat I had to help to the bridge. She had cancer and she only survived a month after her diagnosis. I was recently divorced, in a new career, and her loss impacted me tremendously. I received help from other cat bloggers with support, but I also saw a psychiatrist to help me through the grieving period. It’s been 6 years, but it’s still hard.
Kamira Gayle says
May 11, 2017 at 9:29 amWow! That had to be extra difficult especially going through a life change like divorce. You are one strong person. Yes! I totally agree when it comes to healing. If getting support from friends and other means isn’t working, definitely seek professional help healing. It’s been 2 years for me since Dusty passed and although I improve every day, there’s always a piece of your heart missing, ya know? Thanks for sharing your experience.
Beth says
May 10, 2017 at 9:22 pmIt is incredibly hard to lose a loved one. I feel like I have grieved differently for every dog, as well as the humans that I have lost.
I have a sister in the DC area who has a vet who only makes house calls. She came out to the house when it was time for my sister to let her dog go. It was much more peaceful for the dog as well as my sister. Our vet doesn’t charge for euthanasia, I don’t know if that is a standard thing, or unique to her.
Many years ago our dog died at the vet’s office and when I went to pick her up, the woman handed me a black garbage bag. It may have been called something else, but I was so insulted and heartbroken. I think that vets should have special cardboard boxes to put the pets in instead of something that looks like a trash bag.
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:21 pmOh my Beth! What a testimony! I really admire your sister’s vet acting so compassionately and offering home services. I was shocked when reading that your precious dog’s ashes were put in a garbage bag. Grrrr… When my second cat Dusty passed I was very grateful that when I returned to the urgent care office, they had her ashes in a white gift bag and inside was a carefully wrapped wooden box with faux gold name plate. I didn’t expect that but it made me feel valued as a customer and moreover made me feel like my cat was properly honored in death. So sorry you had that poor experience. I cannot even imagine. 🙁
The Daily PIp says
May 10, 2017 at 8:59 pmWhat a great post. We lost our cat Elsie in September. She was part feral and didn’t do well leaving the house to go to a vet. We discovered a home vet who was also a hospice vet in her final years. She passed at home while he was on his way to our house, but it was so much less stressful for her than going to a vet’s office.
And I agree there are no rules to grief – you just have to let yourself get through the best you can.
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:22 pmSo true!
Debbie Bailey says
May 10, 2017 at 8:42 pmWhen we had to put our Chihuaha Nacho down a couple years ago, it was one of those things that couldn’t wait. We rushed to the emergency vet because he was having trouble breathing and they had to put him in a 100% oxygen environment. He was still having trouble breathing even in pure oxygen, so we didn’t have many options. I didn’t know until recently that you could have your dog put down at home, but I believe it may be a better option for our dogs in the future.. hopefully a LONG, LONG time from now. Thanks for sharing these thoughts. It really is such a hard process and knowledge is power.
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:23 pmDebbie,
I know what you mean about Nacho. We had to rush to the emergency vet due to labored breathing too. It’s so hard but we get through it day to day and grow stronger. Agree, knowledge is power.
Dash Kitten Crew says
May 10, 2017 at 6:44 pmI would have loved to have had our cats let go at home, I would pay big money but – oh no heaven forbid a vet should let a cat go in a familiar environment.
I still struggle with Dash’s death and the way the dogs got away with it.
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:24 pmI totally get it. It’s hard.
Deziz World says
May 10, 2017 at 4:49 pmOh, we are so sorry ’bout your Dusty. We lost me’s sisfur Lexi last year and we’re still not over it. Mommy says we never will be, and dat’s okay. And, like you, mommy woulda never made a ‘pointment in advance, cuz she wanted every minute, no, every second she could have with sissy. Mommy had considered her passin’ at home and then decided against it cuz she didn’t wanna upset me, and she wanted some alone time with sissy. We didn’t know ’bout da plantin’ thing, but mommy says she can’t let go of any of sissy’s ashes. she wants them here with us cuz it makes sissy feel close by. Anyways, we’re ramblin’. We ‘pa;ogize and are sendin’ purrayers and hugs.
Luv ya’
Dezi and Raena
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:28 pmThank you Dezi and Raena for the kind words and sorry about your loss too. I hope you all find healing and comfort during this difficult time. You are not alone.
Heather says
May 10, 2017 at 4:43 pmA lot of information here that I did not know before. I’m going to share this with my friend and client, who just lost her dog and is grieving. I think it may really help her.
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:28 pmHeather,
Thank you! Please share. I hope my blog helps give your friend comfort and validation.
Montecristo Travels (Sonja) says
May 10, 2017 at 4:38 pmThis was beautiful. I would rather be home for sure. AS a travel dog – we’d likely take his ashes on a final world adventure I think. Or maybe to spite the countries with quarantine we’d take his ashes there so he “did go” everywhere. I can’t think of that day. I think too – I read in a recent article that loosing a pet is the same grief as loosign a young child. In that, “they should not go before us” instinct.
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:31 pmSonja,
Thank you so much. I like your idea about a final adventure. I definitely agree with that article quote. The bond I shared with Dusty for almost 14 years was heaven sent. For the first time I really could understand how a parent’s heart breaks losing a child. I know it’s not the same, but I can empathize completely. It’s the only time they break our hearts…when their heart stops beating.
Kitty Cat Chronicles says
May 10, 2017 at 11:56 amI love this. Losing a pet is so very hard, and so many of these things we don’t think about beforehand. I like your suggestion about having your final goodbyes in your home rather than at a vet’s office. We adopted a special-needs kitten last summer who only made it a week with us. He passed here at home, in my arms. It was a heart-wrenching experience, but it would have been worse at a vet’s office. Being at home is not only better for the pet, it is better for the people too. I know that at a vet’s office, I wouldn’t feel very comfortable crying and being upset. I would feel like I had to keep it all inside. Whereas at home, I could let it all out. I also like your suggestions about memorials. We buried Milton in our backyard and planted a flowering dogwood tree over him. It’s a beautiful way to remember him, and I can go outside and sit underneath his tree anytime I want to.
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:35 pmI love the idea of the tree and sitting by Milton. Yes it is so hard and awkward at the vet’s office for the exact reasons you mentioned. It was hard to contain the tears and at the same time finalize payment and paperwork. I let it all out when I got home. I was a blubbering mess!
Nichole says
May 10, 2017 at 11:28 amIt truly is the most difficult thing a pet parent goes through. We faced it twice in two months in 2015 and I can’t even begin to tell you how that felt. Great post to share with those who don’t know what to expect.
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:43 pmNicole,
Oh wow! I can’t imagine how hard that had to be. I feel for you and so sorry for your losses. Thanks for the kind words! Much appreciated.
Robin says
May 10, 2017 at 8:33 amI wish this post had been around a few years ago when we lost our second cat. I was devastated and found it took me months to feel like myself again. Thank you for sharing this.
Kamira Gayle says
May 10, 2017 at 10:37 pmRobin,
Happy to share. At least you found this blog now. Hopefully it will be a great resource for comfort and validation for you going forward. Sorry for your loss as well.